Jinxes, Bets, Hexes, and Thorns
by Skyleidoscope
Summary: "The one who gets Joan's kiss first wins. Deal?" "Deal." And then all hell breaks loose. Proceed with caution. Albus/OC/Scorpius
1. Aftermath of Stupidity

**Disclaimer:** Everything you recognize here isn't mine. Except for Joan and more lovelies to come.

**A/N:** This is my first (and probably failed) attempt at humor. If Polyjuice Potion can be read, it'll be like this. Like goblin's piss. See? You didn't even laugh at that one.

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><p><strong>AFTERMATH OF STUPIDITY<strong>

**by Joan Thorn**

****The animated chatter buzzing around the Great Hall, which sounded much like an insistent horde of bees, abruptly stopped as I picked up my glass of pumpkin juice.

Good, I thought with satisfaction as I sipped. Finally, some peace and quiet after the endless mess I had gotten myself into.

But then the noise started again, ranging from hushed whispers to stifled laughter.

Frowning, I demanded, "Is there something wrong with me drinking juice? For Merlin's sake, stop judging me and leave me alone!"

Lorcan stared at me shrewdly, his eyes narrowing before he pushed away a nearby jug filled with pumpkin juice, muttering something about Wrackspurts being attracted to the smell of the fruit.

"You shouldn't drink that," he warned. His voice had that faraway tone about it that used to unsettle me. It made him sound high on weed or something. His misty blue-grey eyes that often slid out of focus during conversations weren't convincing anyone otherwise, either. "See? Your mind's all fuzzy because of the Wrackspurts in your pumpkin juice."

I stared at him.

"Then why is everybody going nutters? And don't tell me they drink too much pumpkin juice."

"Wrackspurts?" Lysander, who was sitting beside his twin, offered with a shrug.

I glared at him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Rose scooting closer to me. Her back was straight and her shoulders were stiff when she said, "It's Al and Score, obviously. They've been discharged from the Hospital Wing." I felt her cold gaze shooting daggers at me as she stood up. I didn't dare return her stare, knowing the hatred would be there.

From my position on the table, I had clear view of the entrance to the Great Hall, and it was far too late to duck my head and avoid them.

Wait, why was I hiding from them again?

Sometimes, my actions baffled me.

Al's right eye was swollen shut and his left arm was in a sling, whereas one corner of Score's mouth was bruised and he was limping; one of his lower legs was wrapped in a cast. Our gazes met for a split second until the boys broke them, glowering at each other, before they headed to their respective house tables as the whispers and laughter continued.

"It's not too late to apologize," Lysander advised out of nowhere. He was wearing a pair of Spectrespecs now, eyeing the pumpkin juice jug apprehensively.

"Maybe I should. I mean, they weren't supposed to fight like this…" I contemplated loudly. But it seemed like I was only talking to myself, if the blank looks from the Scamander twins were any indication.

"Do you reckon we can touch Wrackspurts?" Lysander inquired, his hand already moving towards the jug.

"Most likely, considering we can touch Thestrals despite them being invisible," Lorcan answered.

And that was my cue to leave.

Grasping the cool, thin chain inside my robe pocket, I crossed to the Entrance Hall and waited there for either Albus or Scorpius to come out. A devious smile crept up my face as I thought about the brilliance of my plan.

But since there was a chance Wrackspurts were invading my head, I couldn't really trust my current logic.**_  
><em>**


	2. The First and Awkward Encounter

**Disclaimer:** Yes, I'm J. K. Rowling... in my dreams.

**A/N:** If you've read the early and unedited version of this fic, you're probably already familiar with this chapter. I edited it here and there, added a couple of stuff. Not sure if that's important, but it is how it is. With every review, a fairy comes to life. Just saying.

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><p><strong>THE FIRST AND AWKWARD ENCOUNTER<strong>

**by Albus Potter**

**In what feels like ages ago...**

I knew I was screwed the moment I laid my eyes on Joan Thorn.

I knew my friendship with Scorpius would also be put on test when he noticed Joan Thorn at the same time.

It happened a week before Halloween on my fifth year in Hogwarts. I finished lunch earlier that day, so I decided to visit Hagrid as Dad had encouraged me to do over and over again, though after getting to know the Care of Magical Creatures professor, it wasn't much of an obligation than it was a nice break from all the chaos at school. Being a son of one of the greatest wizards of all time had its downsides, you know.

There I was, jogging down the slope that led to Hagrid's hut, the small exercise pushing away the coldness brought on by autumn, when a gust of wind carried a delicate, tinkling laugh from the direction of the hut.

One thing I knew for sure: that was definitely not Hagrid.

"Whoa, that is definitely not Hagrid laughing," an all-too-familiar voice commented from behind me. I whipped my head to face him.

Scorpius, clad in Slytherin's green Quidditch robes with a sleek, black broomstick on his shoulder smiled smugly. "Like my new Lightzapper, Potter? It's the fastest broomstick yet and hasn't even been sold in stores. My father just sent it to me today."

Rolling my eyes, I said, "Save it, Malfoy. I already own one, anyway."

It was true. Considering my parents' love for the sport, my dad's name, and my mum's field of work, we could have gotten the latest Quidditch supplies for free. It didn't stop there, though. James, Lily, and I used to have people from Honeydukes shoving jars of sweets down our throats until our teeth ached so bad, we couldn't chew without crying out in pain. Anything to get the product known, I suppose.

The Lightzapper almost rolled off of his shoulder when Scorpius lost his grip on it for a few seconds. The idea of someone owning something before he did always gave him a heart attack. I swear, he probably would have died if he found out he was dating someone who used to have another boyfriend. Which was why I refrained from telling him that his current girlfriend was my cousin, Hugo's ex. It had been a backstreet relationship gone wrong.

Just for the record, I didn't ruin their relationship by catching them snogging in an empty hallway and then was forced to tell Rose about it due to my looking suspicious, which resulted in her informing her parents, thus causing Hugo's relationship's demise or anything.

"Liar," Scorpius accused after he regained his composure, narrowing his eyes.

"I can show it to you today, if you want." This time, I was the one smiling smugly.

Before he could respond, however, that tinkling voice of a girl called out again, "Bye, Professor! Thanks for your time."

"Oh no," came Hagrid's voice, followed by his jovial laugh. "I should be the one thanking yeh. And jus' call me Hagrid."

I felt an unexplainable sense of panic cover every fiber of my being when the footsteps grew louder as she approached us.

"Maybe we should hide," Score whispered frantically, pushing me to a nearby bush.

"No time! Act cool!" I whispered back, just as frantic.

"Hide from what? And why do you have to act cool?"

Crap. I told you I was screwed.

"Merlin, are you alright? What happened to you?"

Was she talking to me? I couldn't believe she was concerned about my well-being. I felt like vomiting, but I mustn't. Not in front of this… this beauty. Victoire and Dominique were one-eighth Veelas, if that even existed, but even both of them combined weren't as breath-taking as her. Hell, maybe a total Veela couldn't compete with her. Maybe I was exaggerating, but my exaggeration was reasonable. I didn't make sense, did I?

God, help me.

She had dark brown hair tied into a messy bun, framing her oval face, red streaks glinting as the afternoon sunlight shone through the almost leafless branches above us. Her eyes, shining with worry, were the clearest shade of blue and they stood out against her pale skin. She didn't even wear any makeup as far as I could see. Well, you get my point. A striped blue and bronze scarf was wrapped around her neck to the point of suffocation, yet she seemed completely okay with it. She was a Ravenclaw.

It took a while to form the right words, and even when I did find the right thing to say, the words were stuck in my throat. What did I do now? When did I turn into a pathetic, nervous mess of a bloke? I imagined Score was undoubtedly getting a kick out of my awkwardness and silently congratulated himself for pushing me into a bush.

To my surprise, there was only silence. A glance in Scorpius' direction showed him fumbling with his broomstick that I assumed must have fallen from his grasp earlier at the sight of the Ravenclaw girl.

So much for acting cool.

"I-I fell," I managed to stutter dumbly.

"Come on, up we go." She grabbed my hands, helping me up to my feet. If the electric current that passed through our hands were real, I'd possibly be fried to a crisp; it was that strong.

"You're Albus, right? Albus Potter?" she asked, seemingly oblivious to the current running on our physical contact. Her dark brown hair turned blonde at the same time her frown turned into a smile. A Metamorphmagus too? Wicked.

Usually, if someone asked me to confirm my name, I replied with a sarcastic retort. I wasn't arrogant or anything, but come on, everybody here knew me.

Whereas most people who asked me for name confirmation would be replied with a cynical, "You think?" I replied to her with a strangled, "Yep."

"Nice to meet you, Albus. I'm Joan, or at least that's what it says on my birth certificate," she greeted, her smile widening, might I add.

The joke might not be that funny according to a sane mind, but Scorpius literally laughed his arse off at Joan's remark. By the time he finished laughing, he was in a crouching position on the ground, clutching his stomach, trying to steady his breathing, and wiping a tear out of the corner of his eye.

"That was funny. You're funny," Scorpius said in a failed attempt at compliment.

Grinning nervously, she played with a strap on her guitar case then replied, "Why, thank you. I do enjoy entertaining others. But I should get to my class right now. See you later, Albus, Scorpius."

She was only a few steps away from us when Scorpius called out, "Hey, do you like The Strokes?"

"Excuse me?" she asked back, although judging from her bewildered expression, she had already heard Score the first time.

"Do you like The Strokes? Because I do, too."

"Are you kidding? I love them!" It sounded impossible, but her face just totally lit up, as if everybody in Hogwarts chanted Lumos Maxima outside during a bright summer day. "I personally prefer Muggle bands than wizard ones, thanks to my mom. It sucks when you're into something but can't talk about it with anyone else because they don't know a single thing about it, you know?"

"Yeah, it feels that way sometimes."

"Tell you what. Let's meet up whenever, talk about Muggle music and stuff. It'll be so cool."

"Looking forward to whenever," he said enthusiastically.

"It's a date." At this, my eyes popped out of their sockets. "See you later, Scorpius."

As soon as we were out of Joan's hearing range, Score shook my shoulders with vigor. "She knows my name! She knows my name!"

"Score, you already have a girlfriend. And stop acting like a fool. It's embarrassing."

His face suddenly turned serious. "Oh please, I can break up with her any time. And don't act like you didn't embarrass yourself too. You were staring like a candy-loving kid on his first time trip to Honeydukes!"

"Eh, whatever." I shrugged because I had to admit, his comparison wasn't that far off. "I didn't know you're into Muggle bands."

"That's because I'm not. The band's name was stuck to that strangely shaped bag of hers, so I lied to her about liking The Frocks."

What?

"First of all, it's The Strokes, you moron. Second, that so-called strangely shaped bag is a guitar case. You put a guitar in there. Guitar is a musical instrument, just so you know. And third, that plan of lying to her about sharing her music taste is either stupid or ingenious," I stated matter-of-factly.

"I hope it's the latter," Scorpius mumbled, breaking out into a run towards the Quidditch pitch.

"Late for Quidditch practice, Malfoy?" I yelled.

"You wish, Potter!"


	3. Being Me is a Danger Hazard

**Disclaimer: **I own many things, too bad Harry Potter isn't one of them.

**A/N: **It's been a while since I've updated, about time I post a chapter. I procrastinate a lot, just saying. Alright, I won't hold you back any longer. You are now free to read on.

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><p><strong>BEING ME IS A DANGER HAZARD<strong>

**by Scorpius Malfoy**

Fact #1: I was too bloody good-looking for my own good.

Fact #2: Now I had officially abused the letter O.

Oh well.

Okay, no more.

This was getting sort of annoying.

Shit, I did it again there.

Yay! I didn't use that wretched letter anymore!

Wait a second… crap.

This internal monologue had stopped making sense long ago.

You know what, never mind. Fuck this. I was going to use O repeatedly, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

Even my name had an O on every single part of it. Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy. See? I bet you hadn't noticed that before, had you?

No more pointless internal monologues, and I meant it this time.

"Malfoy! Stop daydreaming, for Merlin's sake, and find the goddamn Snitch! Gryffindor match is right around the corner, _go_!" bellowed Pritchard Nott, the team captain, without even looking at me as he avoided a passing Bludger that was being thrown back and forth by the two Beaters.

When Kane Vaisey threw the Quaffle, intending to pass it to a fellow Chaser only to get it snatched away, Nott cried out sarcastically, "And you just lost the Quaffle. Great job, Vaisey, great job! Why don't you just hand the stinking ball over to the Gryffindors then, since you make it that stinking easy?"

I resisted the urge to scoff and roll my eyes. Pritchard was crazy. If I didn't know better, I'd have believed it if someone told me he had more eyes than a three-headed dog. Nott had his back turned when the incident with Vaisey happened, so how he found out was beyond me.

"Oi Beaters, less talking behind my back and more hitting Bludgers, yeah?"

Pritchard Nott: Completely Mental Son of a Bitch.

"Malfoy, don't make me drag your precious Loretta Higgs here and make her Slytherin's new Seeker. You know I bloody mean it. By the way, I'm not completely mental; just insanely alert."

Mind fucked to the core.

Hey, I thought I saw a flash of gold near my forehead.

What do you reckon, even Snitches were attracted to me.

Making a grab for it, I realized it was just my hair sparkling under the sunlight.

I felt like an utter idiot.

Good, Nott was laughing now. His insanely alert being had probably told him about what had happened.

Pritchard Nott: Insanely Alert Son of a Bitch.

Hair sparkling under the sunlight reminded me of that girl, Joan. How her brunette hair revealed red streaks in daylight, how her blonde one sparkled as beautifully as mine did. My hair sparkled marvellously, thank you very much. I couldn't help being a fabulous son of a bitch.

Unlike Pritchard Nott, who was an Insanely Alert Son of a Bitch.

Speaking of him, I should go find the Snitch now before he replaced me for my current girlfriend. How embarrassing would that be?

Let me answer that one for you: very.

The rest of the day was spent with searching for the hint of blonde hair amidst every flock of students wrapped in bronze and blue scarves.

The only blonde Ravenclaw I found was the lunatic-beyond-repair Lorcan/Lysander Scamander, who was trailing behind a disgruntled-looking Professor Longbottom to babble about combing the mistletoes for Nargles.

There was, however, the time before dinner where I was looking for Al (for a change) and found him in the library, facing a bookshelf, his eyes glazed over, and the corner of his mouth dripping drool.

Ew.

"Oi, what are you—" He cut me off by throwing himself on me, covering my mouth with his hand.

What. The. Hell.

I seriously failed to understand everything Al did nowadays. Everything he did since this fateful noon, actually, but the bloke didn't start out one hundred per cent sane, anyway. I had to admit, his awkwardness only added to his… erm, appeal.

Not that I didn't have any crush on him or anything. Our relationship was very much brotherly. People would call it bromance, if I weren't mistaken. Never erase the B. Capische?

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you off your fucking rocker?" I screamed out through his hand.

"Albus? Scorpius?"

I knew that voice. And that voice spelled doom. Because that voice belonged to none other than Joan.

My life just got better by the second.

"What are you doing… in the library… on the floor… you on top of… oh. So you're both… I should go… I won't tell anyone, don't worry."

I was the first one who recovered first. "No Joan, this isn't what it looks like."

Stupid Albus could only stand up and stare in horror at her.

Let me tell you something; everything about him was stupid. Stupid green eyes, stupid teeth, stupid hair, stupid last name, everything about him were stupid. What kind of last name was Potter? Sounded like someone who smoked pot, or someone who looked more like pot than everybody else.

Should I start on his first name? His nickname was all right, Al, but then people was just going to assume his first name was Alex or something. No, his first name was Albus and people would realize they were wrong and everything would be awkward.

This thing he just did only added to his stupidity, not appeal. There was nothing appealing about tackling your friend to the ground, making both of you seem gay and in love. It was appalling.

"Three of you! OUT!" the ancient Madam Pince (she was probably older than half the books here) snapped. She was so mad; she threw a book at Al's head. For a rotting old woman, her aim was impeccable.

He would have toppled over and crashed into a bookshelf, causing more mayhem, if I hadn't been there to catch him.

Somebody better give me the Special Award for Services to the School for it.

Joan erupted in laughter once we were out of the library. I lifted an eyebrow at her but said nothing. Whatever words I could say were stuck in my throat.

"This is actually my first time being kicked out of the library," she admitted, eyes glinting accusingly despite her smile.

"S-sorry Joan," Al stuttered.

I was starting to believe he was the reincarnation of Quirrell.

"Don't be. It was sort of exciting, breaking the rules."

Even Albus stopped walking and gasped. After all, Ravenclaws who laughed at being thrown out of a library and thought breaking the rules was exciting only came once in a lifetime.

"I have to put away my stuff in my room. I'll see you two at dinner?" she continued as if she hadn't heard us.

"See you there, Joan," I said. As dumbstruck as I was, I fared way better than Albus.

She stopped around the corner. Looking at us, she smiled and said, "Just call me Jo."

"We're on nickname basis now?" Al asked in disbelief.

Then he started hyperventilating.

"Pi!" came the voice of Loretta from the Entrance Hall, loud enough for everybody in the Great Hall to hear.

I banged my head against the table.

Putting aside the fact that she embarrassed me in front of the staff and students, I did _not_ like her new nickname for me.

She pronounced it as 'pee'.

Damn it woman, she thought I was bloody urine.

I banged my head against the table again.

"Lorry," I replied through gritted teeth.

"Don't say my name like that!" she shouted. "Lorry is a form of Muggle transportation. I don't want anything to do with Muggle things."

Excuse me? Who the heck abused my name in the first place? I should have been the first one to complain here.

"In case you haven't noticed, the way you call me Pi makes me feel like piss."

"But that's how you pronounce it, duh! Score-PEE-us. What do you expect, calling you Pie?"

"Um, yeah. At least it's better than Pee, isn't it?"

A scoff. "As if you're that edible!"

"What did you say? I'm _not_ edible?"

And the best thing about the conversation was that it transpired when we were at different ends of the room. Yeah, we were basically yelling at each other across the Hall, with the whole school listening in.

All in all, it was the usual day in the flawless relationship of Scoretta. Be jealous.

The dinner crowd dispersed one by one, and as the evening wore on, Al stepped out of his House table to sit beside me.

"Pretty awesome argument back there, mate."

So he had returned to his almost normal state. Thank Merlin. I didn't think I could handle being with Albus-in-love for one more bleeding millisecond.

"You can talk again now. Good."

He chuckled. "Joan—I mean, Jo—was out as soon as she finished her meal. I got my sanity back at that point."

"You were stalking her?" my voice got higher with every syllable that Al had to clap his hand over my mouth again.

"Just… observing," he reasoned. I didn't buy it one bit.

Something suddenly clicked in my head.

"What you did in the library, you were stalking her, weren't you?"

The blush colouring his cheeks confirmed it.

"Too bad you can't have her," I piped up.

He glared at me, those green eyes burning. "Why not?"

"You can't even talk normally around her. Do you really think she, or any girl for that matter, would want to date you if you have the speaking ability of someone paralyzed? At least I can form a sentence or two."

"But you already have Loretta!"

I sneaked a glance at Loretta who was talking to her friends, making sure that she wasn't listening, and whispered, "I'm breaking up with her."

"Scorpius, you can't be serious!" Al cried.

I covered his mouth with my hand this time.

"After that, I'm free to hook up with Joan. She hadn't been with anyone before, had she?"

He shook his head vigorously. "I doubt it, but you can't have her."

"Why?" I inquired, raising my brow.

Albus' green eyes shone dangerously. "Because she's mine, Malfoy."

"I bet I can get to her first."

"I'd like to see you try."

"Tell you what," I offered. "The one who gets Joan's kiss first wins. Deal?"

"Is that a bet?"

"What do you think, Potter?" I gave him the trademark Malfoy sneer.

"Deal."

We shook hands, and bolted out of the Great Hall.

The same thing was on our minds: time to assemble a team.


End file.
